Mike iLL - Diary of an iLL Boy. Politics of Sex, Noise and Depression

Mike iLL - Diary of an iLL Boy. Politics of Sex, Noise and Depression

| | | — | | Motherlovers might call me crazy. I’ll wear the name tag. Read a screenplay last night in
which this guy puts his hips over his head and licks his own penis and cums in his mouth. I was like, Damn, I could do that… Could. Stretch takes a little time. Tasted sweet. Not like amonia. Don’t tell anyone. Is that like, a monosexual act? Read recently that until like, the 1800’s or something, the word Homosexual was not used to describe people, only acts. We played a show in Tallahassee the other night, opening for this guy Mr. Len, who was in the seminal hip-hop act, Company Flow (with El-P, who started the popular Def Jux Label.) I was real nervous ‘cause the crowd (all 25 people) we’re a largly black, hip-hop crowd. This is something I’ve suffered from for years; Black-o-phobia, Insecure-whiteboy-bullshit. Eldrige Cleaver (Soul on Ice) might say White American society at large, lives with the fear that blacks are more musically and physically talented. Why is this? Is it ‘cause most of the great American musicians and athletes are Black? I mean you got Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Miles Davis, Jimi Hendrix… Speaking of Hendrix, I was first turned on to him through his albums with a white/english rythm section, who it’s said we’re sort of forced on him (I think he even played half the bass parts on the records). Then he had the band he was really into which was Band of Gypsies, with Black Players. And even though I love “Are You Experienced” and “Axis: Bold as Love”, the rhythm section parts are pretty bubble-gummie. That’s what made it so pallatable to the “white” masses, the record-buying public. Seriously. If I bring up Louis Armstrong, Stevie Wonder, Robert Johnson, Leadbelly, Billie Holiday, Bessie Smith, Public Enemy, Outkast, Parlaiment Funkadelic, James Brown, Sly Stone, The Wailers. Who are you gonna bring? The Beatles, Stones, Eminem, Beck, Woody Guthrie, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Stevie Ray Vaugn, Jeff Buckley? And if you wanna bring up Bach and Mozart and Beethoven and Berlioz and shit, then we’re getting into a whole different realm, where we have to talk about the development of Style in music. And we have to start comparing European music to African music over all. ‘Cause we don’t know the names of the folks who created and developed the music we now know as Salsa, Merengue, Samba, Wawanko and all that shit. So it makes a white boy from Jersey a little insecure. Strait up. So I got to get into my Irish, Celtic, Anglo roots and shit. Fuck this “white” bullshit. Not every “black” person is James Brown, not every “white” person is Einstein. Folks’ve been writin’ about this shit, probably since separate races were ever considered. It’s just weird how we look to people who LOOK similar, to give us permission to be who we are. Like, I see a white drummer in Average White Band (funky az hell) and have permission to be that funky ‘cause, “he’s white, i’m white…”. I see DJ Muggs of Cypress Hill makin’ those insane beats and, “Oh, okay”. There’s plenty of room, and need, and space for each of us. And we can all travel the universe, getting to know, and learning how to express out unique selves. Everybody is a star. There’s so much great music out there. Bill Monroe and bluegrass. I think today (Superbowl Sunday) is Earl Scruggs’ birthday. Romanian folk music, industrial music (Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Foetus), mexican guitar music, flamenco, heavy metal, country music (Hank Williams - shit, all three of ‘em). This sleazey-type, music manager dude/millionair hit me off with a couple of pieces of wisdom on two occasions a few years ago. Once he came to see our band, and afterwards he was like, He pointed his index finger right into my chest/heart, looked me in the eyes and said, “It’s gotta be what’s in here, man.” And I knew at that moment, that I wasn’t being true to my self. Felt damn naked with this mother.’s finger in my heart, too. Another time, I was working for his ass, back stage at the Apollo (Theatre in Harlem). There was a few people hangin’ around him, on a break. And I was saying something “clever”. And he stands up and goes, really exaggerated like, “I like Mike. Mike’s a COOL guy.” He was totally making fun of me, and I realized later on that what he was saying is, “Stop trying to be so fuckin’ cool.” And he’s a dude that probably doesn’t give one shit-of-a-fuck what anybody thinks of him. And I’m so damn concerned with EVERYBODY liking me and EVERYBODY thinking, “Mike’s so fuckin’ cool.” And it’s bullshit. It doesn’t mean a thing if you think I’m cool. What the fuck is cool, anyway? Like that show the other night. I always fuck up when the pressure’s on. Rivkawas pissed; “You always try and do something MORE when your under pressure. Stop trying to think of shit when you’re performing and just fucking DO IT.” I’ve always been like this. I was the guy who never got thrown the ball, and the one time it came, I was so nervous it fell right out of my hands. Play 100 brilliant shows to small crowds, and the one gig with 500 people at it, I’ll act like a fuckin’ idiot. Why? Rivka; “‘cause you were a skinny little geek.” Got a lotta work to do. As Chris Frantz recently wrote us: Stay Strong! Y’all too. Here’s some more reading material from Michael Patrick Welch of New Orleans: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2001/08/24busboy.html laughing all the way,Mike |

18/04/2001